Becoming More Assertive 101 ? The Health Journal: Health ...

Climbing the Assertiveness Ladder

The idea for the assertiveness ladder comes from the National Family Caregivers Association.? The goal is to apply the right amount of assertiveness, at the right time, to address the behavior or words that are making being a caregiver more difficult. Mild confrontation may bring about the desired changes with some people, while others may require escalating doses.

Step One:? Use ?I? Statements

• Using ?I? statements, tell the person who is causing you stress how you feel and what would be helpful instead.
• Don?t be alarmed if someone can?t easily shift his or her behavior.? Some people have little awareness of the impact they have on others, and they tend to have more difficulty managing or altering their behavior.
• If using simple ?I? statements doesn?t bring the desired result, go to the second step.

Here is an example from a practicing caregiver:??I heard that our neighbor criticized some decisions we?d made about my husband?s Alzheimer?s treatments.? Next time I saw her I said, ?This is such a stressful time, with so many conflicting types of treatments.? It was a long and hard decisions, and it adds to our stress when others gossip or criticize the decisions we have made.? We need a lot of love and support right now.?? I heard the following week that she defended our decision to others.? (Kate Andrews, Practicing Caregiver)

Step Two:? Share the Impact of Their Behavior on You

• Provide specific examples of the impact that their behavior has had on you.

Here is an example from a practicing caregiver:??I told my sister that when she promises to come visit, I schedule appointments.? When she doesn?t show up, I have to cancel my appointments at the last minute, and Mom gets so down in the dumps that my time is spent soothing and comforting her.? After that, she never missed another visit with Mom.?? (Maggie Joseph, Practicing Caregiver)

Step Three:? Share in the Now

• Immediately let others know what your reaction is to their words or behavior.

Here is an example from a practicing caregiver:??Whenever my brother helps with household repairs, he complains.? I asked him to stop.? The next time it happened, I told him that his complaining makes Dad feel like he?s a burden, and it reminds Dad of all the things he can no longer do.? I said that I would hire someone because I hated seeing Dad feel so awful after my brother helps.? My brother was upset to realize this, and he never complained again.? In fact, next time after he did some minor repairs, he spent time with Dad reminiscing about all of the hand work they had done together over the years.? (Kate Cardiff, Family Caregiver)

Step Four:? Speak the Truth and Outline Consequences

• Speak truthfully about the behaviors that are causing stress, being as clear and specific as possible and outlining the actions you will take if the mischief doesn?t stop.

Here is an example from a practicing caregiver:??My brother-in-law flies into town and asserts himself into everything, giving orders and giving outsiders the impression that he is in charge.? He barks orders out at me and bullies personal information from doctors and nurses at the nursing home.? The last visit he ordered tests and equipment that my husband didn?t? need and that I had to pay for.? I talked to him about all of this; so has everyone else in our family.? It didn?t stop until I threatened him and the nursing home with a lawsuit if they ignored my power of attorney again.? (Rebecca Jones, Family Caregiver)

Step Five:? Disengage from the Mischief Makers

• If you can?t get the mischief makers to change their stress-causing words or behaviors, then disengage in whatever way works best for you.

After you decide you must disengage to protect yourself and ease the stress, here are some tips to disengage:

• As soon as you hear the voice of the stressful person on the phone, say you are busy and hang up.
• Ask someone to be the buffer between you and the stressful person.
• Cut the person off when he or she offers unsolicited advice.
• Don?t engage in debates.? Just end the conversation.
• Start reading items on your ?To-Do List,? and ask for the stressful person?s help.
• If you have caller ID, don?t answer when the person calls, and don?t return the call.

Here is an example from a practicing caregiver:??My sister was out of control, yelling at Mom, arguing with everyone about everything.? When Mom admitted she was scared of my sister, we all agreed it was best for mom, and certainly for me, to keep her away.? I left her a message telling her that because of her angry outbursts, she was no longer welcome.? We all felt relieved.?? (Lisa Daniels, Practicing Caregiver)

Source: http://www.thehealthjournals.com/2013/03/becoming-more-assertive-101/

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